“I’m scared he might die.” I was biting my lip the whole time it was silent in the car. I tasted blood and I felt a little pain. Most of the pain was being numbed by my thoughts.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be fine. He’s strong,” Jimmy said surely.

“You don’t know how fragile he really is…” I opened the door and heard the life support machine beeping and the respirator was pumping. I felt de-ja-vu. My grandfather was on life support. He died 2 years ago. That’s when my dad left.

“My God he’s going to die!” I cried. I went over to hold his hand and saw all the needles stuck in there to keep him alive.

“No, no sweetie!” The burse said. “He’ll be fine. Most patients wake up in a matter of days!” she said proudly.

“Most…then there are the ones who never wake up. The ones they pull the plug on,” I said.

“No ones going to pull any plugs honey,” she put a hand on my shoulder.

“Please don’t touch me.”

She took her hand off me and left the room.

“Trinny, you should be hopeful,” Jimmy said and sat in the chair next to the bed.

“If I don’t expect big things then I won’t be disappointed when they don’t happen.” I held Jon’s hand and ran my fingers along his palm. I looked at his face and saw the same Jonathan that I did that time he told me about his aunt, helpless and scared. “Do you know his secret?” I asked Jimmy.

“What secret?”

I turned over his arm and pointed to a few vertical and horizontal scars. “These.”

“No. I didn’t know he cut.”

“There is one for every time something bad changes his life.” I traced each one with my finger and remembered what he said each one was for, his mom leaving him, his Dad re-marrying, his aunt molesting him. That cut was deeper than the others. He probably cut it over and over each time he remembered it. But the forth one I didn’t know about. It was still red and scabbed over. It was fresh.

“He tells you a lot of stuff huh?” Jimmy said.

“Yeh. I guess so. Lately I don’t really feel like he’s trusted me for some reason. I don’t know. I worry too much.”

“I didn’t even know he was using drugs,” he said.

“I didn’t know until yesterday.”

It was quiet after that. If this were the last time I ever saw Jonathan I wish I could just say I was sorry, but he wouldn’t hear me. He wouldn’t know I still loved him until he woke up, if he woke up.

“I’m sorry Jonathan.” I kissed his cheek. I wanted him to kiss me back but I didn’t know whether I deserved to be kissed or if he even would. All I knew was that he was practically dead. He couldn’t speak, see, feel, touch, or hear. He was oblivious to all of it. It’s stupid how it takes something tragic to make people realize their faults.

“I’m gonna go get a sandwich. Do you want something?” he asked trying not to sound inconsiderate. I knew he was just trying to give me time alone with Jon.

“Sure. A coke.” I handed him two dollars.

“I’ll be back in a little bit.”

“Ok.” He walked out and shut the door behind him.

My eyes started to pour out tears I had been holding back in front of Jimmy. I didn’t like to cry in front of people, it just kinda happened sometimes. I only cried in front of Jon. He could make me cry for him, or with him. It didn’t matter. I was comfortable with it.

I wiped my eyes and laid my head on his chest. “I love you. Can you hear me? I wish you could. Please don’t die.” I closed my eyes and that squeezed out more tears. He was warm at least. My grandfather was cold when I held his hand at the hospital. His life support had been turned off and I wanted to hold him one last time, but he was cold, so cold.

“If I lose you I’ll die. Please wake up,” I said through my choking. “Please! Jonathan…don’t you want to live? Why’d you cut again?”

“Because of you,” a voice behind me said. I jumped and stood up.

“You’re quiet aren’t you?” I said wiping away my tears, but keeping my back to him. “I didn’t even hear you come in Mark.”

“Yeh well maybe you were too noisy to hear me?”

“Yeh, maybe…” I agreed. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be hurtful or if he was just being honest.

“Look, I’m sorry about last night. I was just really scared for Jon and my parents were all shocked by the drugs and I had seen you walking out earlier so I thought maybe you had just let him lay there without calling the hospital.” He looked at me. “I thought you were lying and I’m sorry for not trusting you.”

“I’m sorry for saying I didn’t care.” I turned to look at him. “And for slapping you.”

He laughed. “No. I deserved that.”

“Yeh I kinda thought so too. Glad we agree,” I laughed.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

I hate when people ask that. It’s always because they know you’re not. They just want you to tell them why. “Yeh. I’m fine.” I looked down at Jon and knew I wasn’t. I was this close to screaming and I was that close to breaking down.

“What about you?” I asked.

“I’m worried. You know just as well as I do that Jon is weak. He probably meant to kill himself.”

“I know,” I said softly. “Did you see? He has a new scar.”

“I saw it. It must be new because he didn’t have a chance to tell me about it,” he said.

“Do you think he’ll wake up?” I asked.

“Honestly…I’m not sure. Maybe…”

“I think if he does it will be a while.” I bit my lip again. “Doesn’t school start soon?” I asked trying to change the subject.

“Yeh. The 21st. This Friday,” he groaned.

“What’s Jon gonna do? He’ll be behind…he might not even wake up in time for him to actually start. He could get held back.”

“Oh…Jon didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” I asked.

“He dropped out. They already accepted his form.”

“What?!”

“Least that’s what the story was in June,” Mark said. “Their band is really going places.”

“Yeh like around town. They’re not stars yet!” I shouted. Then I remembered I was in a hospital. “Does anyone else know about that?”

“No. He told me not to let anyone know but as long as you don’t tell him he wont know that I did.”

School was in 1 day and Jon was in the hospital. As much as I didn’t want to leave him I had to. I stepped up next to Jon. I felt awkward with Mark standing there but I ignored him. I kissed Jon on the lips. ‘I love you.’ And walked away.

Mark looked at me. “You leaving?”

“Yeh. I gotta get home. I’ll see you later Mark.” I went to open the door.

“What ever you do,” Mark said, “don’t kill yourself. I can’t think of anything that would be stupider ok?”

“I wont.” I walked out and bumped in to Jimmy.

“Oh hey! Leaving?” he asked.

“Yeh. Can you drive me home?”

“Sure.” He handed me my drink and we headed towards the car. We didn’t talk. He just drove and I sat.

We pulled in to my driveway.

“Thanks,” I said.

“No problem. You got my number right?”

“Yeh I’ll call. Don’t worry.” I knew I had no intention of calling him. I shut the door and walked up to the front door. From now on I would live totally different. No more image. No more depression. I would try and forget everything and reinvent myself. I would…conform to society. Maybe in a hope to lose Jon and everyone for good and never worry about losing anyone again.

I hadn’t had 2 months pass by so fast in all my life. I couldn’t forget Jon so I decided to change myself so I would find a different guy who didn’t remind me of him. As far as I knew he was still in a coma. I didn’t want to waste my senior year worrying about him. So I forgot, or tired to at least.

I had started school with no real friends except Jen, who I had also left behind in my past.

The bus pulled up beside the school and we al filed off it.

“Hey Trinny! I love your skirt!” Mandy called from the school entrance.

“Yeh, I just got it at the mall yesterday,” I said as I came up to her. I felt someone pinch my ass and I turned around. ‘Jason.’ He always does that.

“Oh yeh. I love it too,” Jason said with a growl. I laughed.

“Thanks.” I smoothed out my khaki American Eagle skirt and followed Mandy to our usual group in the hallway.

“Oh my god that’s really cute!” Sara said as we approached them. Her boyfriend, Zack, came up behind her and put his arms across her waist.

“Hey,” he said with his deep sexy voice. Maybe I was a little jealous but I shouldn’t be. They’ll break up in a matter of months, maybe weeks. It’s inevitable.

“So are we all going to see that movie on Saturday?” I asked. We had talked about it at the sleepover the week before.

“I’m free,” Mandy said.

“Me too!” Sara said excitedly. “You wanna come Zack?”

“Sure. What time?”

“I checked out the times last night. There’s a 7:15 and a 7:55 showing. Then I think it’s a 9 and a 10 something,” I said.

Someone pushed me from the back and I turned to see Kari.

“So can I come too?” she asked.

“Yeh. Remember the movie we talked about last week?” Mandy said to Kari.

“Oh yeh, that cheesy horror film? I think it looks funny,” Kari said with a giggle.

I leaned against the lockers and saw a familiar figure walking along the wall, alone. ‘Jen.’ She looked up as if she had heard me and I saw anger and sadness in her eyes.

“Hey isn’t that the chic who tried to commit suicide?” Zack said, following Jen with his eyes.

“No. Jen’s not like that,” I said without a thought.

“Jen? She has a name?” Mandy laughed and so did everyone else.

“You’re not friends with her are you? She’s creepy!” Sara asked with a disgusted tone.

“No. I…She just lives on my street and our parents are friends,” I lied.

“Oh ok good. You scared me there for a minute!” Sara laughed and I did too.

“So are you going to invite Jason?” Mandy asked with a nudge in my side.

“I guess so. It’s worth a try.”

“Oh come on! He’s all over you!” Mandy shouted.

“Uh huh…” I said skeptically. I thought he just liked to pinch my ass…maybe he does like me.

The minute bell rang.

“I’ll see you guys at lunch,” I said and headed to Math.

“Bye!” They all said.

What if Jason likes me? Should I go out with him? I mean he’s really cute and he’s really popular. I’ll think about it some more.

Lunch was lunch, gossip on jokes. Occasionally we talked about something instead of making up rumors.

“Hey I heard there’s a party at Rachel’s this Saturday! Should we go to that instead of a movie?” Mandy said.

I didn’t want to. Rachel was a bitch.

“Oh hell yeh!” Kari said with a wide smile. “Party means booze!” Kari wouldn’t touch a beer, but I guess she thought she could fool us. I just laughed at her.

“I wanna go! Rachel throws killer parties. They have a huge ass stereo too,” Sara said. Zack shook his head yes too.

“I’ll go. Sounds fun,” I said flatly.

“I bet Jason will go,” Mandy said. I rolled my eyes.

“Look I’ll be right back,” Zack said swinging his leg over the bench and standing up.

“Where you going?” Sara asked.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be back,” he said and walked over to the guy’s table.

“Shit! I know what he’s doing!” I yelled. “He’s asking Jason if he likes me!”

“What?” Mandy and Sara said.

“How do you figure that?” Mandy asked.

Zack walked over to Jason and crouched down and talked to him. Zack pointed back to us and I felt my face go red. Jason looked straight at me and then back at Zack. I wished I could read their lips! Zack said something else and he led Jason back over to us.

“Hey,” Jason said and sat down next to me.

“Hi. What’s up?” I said casually.

“Zack told me there’s a party this weekend…you wanna go with me to it?”

“Uhm…yeh sure.” What else could I say?

“I’ll pick you up at 8?”

“Uh…yeh. I live on-“

“I know. It’s in the student directory right?” he asked.

“Yeh, if you now where your directory is at! I always lose them,” I said with a laugh.

“Yeh me too. My mom always puts it in the kitchen drawer now so that doesn’t happen,” he said with a short laugh.

“Ok so…I’ll see you at 8?” I said.

“Yeh.” He stood up and looked at me for a moment before walking back over to his table.

“Ahh! I’ll kill you Zack!!” I shouted as soon as Jason left.

“Why? I did you a favor!” he said.

“Fine. Whatever,” I said and bit into my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

When I got home I set my book bag down at the door and flopped on the couch. Mom and Richard were on a second honeymoon to Hawaii. They had left me home alone for three days now. Today would make it four. On Sunday they would come back. Today was Thursday. I turned on the stereo and played a Led Zeppelin tape. I laid back down on the couch and hugged a decorator pillow to my chest.

“Oh Jason…” I sighed into the pillow and then burst out laughing. A ring from the doorbell startled me and I rolled off the couch.

“Just a minute!” I yelled over the music. “I doubt they heard me though,” I mumbled to myself and turned down the stereo.

“Hello?” I said through the door.

“Um…Trinny?”

I opened the door and stared not really in shock just in a sort of ‘Hi…’ awkward way.

“Hi…” I said.

“You um, left these at my house last summer and I’m returning them.” Jen handed me a box of comic books and a few vampire movies…the last item I saw was a leather bound book. It was our friendship diary. “I’m leaving this afternoon and I had to give away some stuff and this stuff is yours. Bye.” She walked away slowly and I shut the door.

Jen looked so sad, really hurt. Why had we not been friends anymore? I can’t remember. Apparently it was over, but I have more friends now. Losing one wont make a difference. The last time I talked to Jen was over the summer. I hadn’t talked to a lot of people since summer time.

I went into the kitchen and saw Jen hop into a moving truck and slam the door closed.

“oh…she’s leaving as in ‘moving’.” I couldn’t decide whether I was supposed to be sad she was leaving or sad because I never got to understand why our friendship ended. I set my box on the countertop and the phone rang. I hoped it wasn’t Jen. I wouldn’t know what to say at all.

“Hello?”

“May I speak to Trinity?”

“Speaking,” I said happily. “Who is this?”

“Guess.”

“Um…ok…” I agreed cautiously.

He sounded young. ‘Oh! I know who it is! Jason…’ I thought to myself. I’ll just go along like I don’t know though. “Alex?”

“Nope.”

“Zack?”

“No.”

“Hmm…are you tall?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Brown Hair? Brown eyes?”

“…. Yes,” he laughed. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“Oh nothing. I was just-“ I looked at the box, “I was just making a sandwich.”

“Oh yeh…I was wondering what you’re doing tonight?” Jason asked.

“Um actually I’m pretty bored. Why?”

“Well I got the car this evening so we could go get something to eat or just hang out,” he suggested. “I think a party is just a bad beginning for any relationship you know?”

“Really?” I said. “How come?”

“Oh well…party’s are a different atmosphere than real life…and it would be weird I guess?” he said flatly.

“Yeh. I see what you mean.”

“So…you wanna come hang out?” he asked again.

“Um…sure. You’ll pick me up at what time?”

“Well, when do you think you could be ready?” he asked.

I twisted a strand of hair around my finger. “Uh…half hour…that should be good,” I said unsurely.

“Yeh, ok. I’ll see you then.”

“Ok.”

“Bye,” he said.

“Bye.” I hung up.

I walked into the bathroom and put my hair in a clip. When was the last time I went on a date? Had it really been that long that I couldn’t remember? It took me the whole half hour to do my make-u. Then I went and sat on the front steps.

The air was warm and I liked that. I couldn’t stand the cold. I watched a blue mustang drive by and I thought it might have been Jason, but it drove right past me. The next car that came down the street stopped in front of my mailbox. Jason got out and walked over to me.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“You look like you were sad about something,” he said sitting down next to me.

“Oh really? Well my best friend just moved and we kind of fell out of friendship over the summer. I felt really bad but I’m not really sure if it was cuz she left or if I felt responsible for everything…” I mumbled.

“Oh…that’s happened to me. You just forget it after a while. It seems like a big issue at the time, but you don’t need to stress over it,” Jason comforted and put a hand on mine.

“Anyway, I’m hungry. Let’s go eat.”

“Yeh.”

We both stood up and walked to the car. I noticed on my seat there was a little yellow dandelion.

“Is this for me?” I asked with a smile.

“Yeh…um…. it’s a kinda sorry flower, considering it’s really a weed, but it’s the only thing I could find to pick in my yard.” He started the car and buckled his seat belt.

“It’s still really sweet.” I held it in my hands and made I twirl between two fingers. I was very nervous and I wished I could pop in my Nine Inch Nails tape…but I couldn’t.

He asked me some questions about my life, my dreams, and sports. He laughed when I said I hated football, but quickly shut up when I didn’t laugh back. By the time we got to the restaurant my stomach was so twisted up in a knot I didn’t think I could even drink the water. I hadn’t been this nervous in a long while. I felt like I was doing a project presentation in front of the whole school.

“What do you want to eat?” he asked as he closed his menu. “You can get anything…well almost,” he laughed.

“Actually I’m not hungry.” I closed my menu and pushed it to the side. It was silent for a while.

“So…what kinda of music do you listen to?”

I was hesitant to answer.

“Mariah Carey?” he asked.

I laughed. “Um…well there’s Metallica and Nine Inch Nails…Zeppelin.”

He was quiet.

“But that’s enough about me. How about you?” I asked and sipped my water.

“Uh…Beastie Boys and Run DMC.”

It was my turn to be silent. He looked down at the menu. “I’ll just order some mozzarella sticks and we can share?”

“Sure. I’ll be right back. I gotta use the restroom.” I stood up quickly and made my way to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet lid in a stall and locked the door. What was I doing here? Why was I with him? I need a friend. I came to a realization when I had that last thought. The word friend didn’t make any picture of a person pop up in my mind. The only name that came was Jennifer. A tear dripped off my nose. Why was I trying so hard to be something I’m not? And what was that thing I was going on a date with? How did I become an apathetic blob of human who just does what I’m told? How did I let my friendship die over some stupid popularity issue?!

I pulled on my hair and yelled into my knees.

After a few minutes I walked out and silently exited the restaurant through the side exit. It would be nice to ride the bus home. I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.

By the time I got home I was tired. I walked up to my room and collapsed on the bed. I want to go away, just vanish. Not totally just disappear but more like slowly fade so no on realizes I’m gone. Who wants to wait that long though? Who needs people when all they do is hurt you when you lose them?

The phone rang and I looked at the caller I.D. “No! Go away!” I yelled and unplugged the phone wire.

Most people would think I had no right to feel like this but what the hell did they know? ‘Look at her! Picture perfect. The model student.’ It made me want to puke. All they see is my mask I had created because I thought the same way they did. It’s not perfect unless you change your whole life and it’s your real self. For me it just made me even more miserable because I just wanted to be accepted, not change. Why had I done this? I tried to remember but I couldn’t. I fell asleep that night crying again.

I woke up more than usual during the night and had one time where I couldn’t fall back asleep for about 30 minutes. I decided to skip first period and second…maybe the whole day.

“Ugh, I’ve got too many absences already though,” I said as I sat up. At this rate I didn’t think I could graduate, but there was still a very slim chance. I pulled on the same pair of jeans from yesterday and threw on my sweatshirt. I brushed out my bed-head hair and clipped it up.

“I really don’t care what I look like…” I said while putting on my socks and shoes. It wasn’t some outfit I would have worn lately but, when I was myself before school started it was my normal outfit. I looked at my watch and it read 11:49; which meant it was actually 11:39, my watch was 10 minutes fast. I was always late. It was going to be lunch in like 2 minutes, so I just decided to go to English and screw the rest of my classes. I left the house with my book bag and locked the door after myself. The bus wouldn’t come till 11:45 so I would get to sit there on the corner for longer than usual. This morning I didn’t get bugged by anyone else walking by or waiting for the bus. I flashed my bus pass to the driver and took my usual seat right behind the bus driver. For some odd reason I felt safer sitting there even though I really wasn’t.

I got off at the stop across from the school and walked over to the grocery store to buy a soda.

“1.98,” the guy at the checkout spoke.

I handed him two dollars. He was familiar looking.

“Two cents is your change.” He handed me my receipt and change. “Have a nice day.”

“Thank you. You too.” I walked out and gave my change to the hobo with a cardboard sign.

“Bless you young lady. Thank you!” he said as it went clank in his coke can with the top cut off.

“Uh huh. Just don’t go buy beer,” I said as if that made any difference. I walked away slowly and stopped to drink my coke.

“Hey! Excuse me!” A guy was yelling while running out of the store. “Miss!”

“Me?” I asked as he came over to me. It was my cashier.

“You left your wallet, sorry.” He pulled the wallet out of his little apron. “Here you go.” I got it from him and shoved it deep in my front pocket. Wow, I felt stupid.

“Thank you so much!” I smiled. “I didn’t realize it was gone and I probably wouldn’t have until I went to buy something else.” I looked at his dark brown eyes…so pretty. I knew I had seen him before but not here.

“Do I know you?” he asked.

“Huh?”

“Well you look very familiar and you sound familiar but I can’t think of you name,” he said.

“Hm, that is strange. You look familiar too…I bet we met at a party,” I said flatly.

“Ah…that could be…well anyway…I’ll see you around then,” he said and jogged back through the automatic sliding doors.

“Well, that was interesting.” I walked over to McDonalds. I kinda wanted to go right home after I got my burger but I knew I couldn’t. Well I at least had to get my homework.

“One double cheeseburger,” the lady at the counter said.

“Oh that’s me.” I took my burger and walked to school.

I hope everyone I know is in class now. I really don’t want to talk to anyone. I walked to my locker and opened it. It was pretty bare so that I wouldn’t have to clean it a lot at the end of the year. I wanted to put up a lot of posters but my locker partner wouldn’t let me.

“Hey…aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

I spun around really quick, thinking it might be my teacher. “No…” I said as I recognized Zack.

“Are you lying?” he asked leaning on the locker next to mine.

“…What’s with all the question?” I asked sort of kidding sort of not.

“Why’d you blow off Jason last night?” He crossed his arms across his chest. “I thought you liked him?”

“Well I’m not sure anymore. Don’t you have class?” I asked, being the nosey one now.

“Yep and I’m not going,” he answered like he was being some sort of rebel.

“Well…why not?” I pretended to look for something in my locker.

“Because there’s this guy I met today who was all, ‘Do you know Trinny Reeves?’ and I said, ‘yes,’” Zack explained.

“And?…”

“And he wanted me to find you for him. So I have found you but now I think he’s gone,” Zack said, “but he said he’ll be back.”

“Did he say how he knew me? What’s his name? What did he look like?” I asked.

“Whoa! Look, he was pretty tall and had dark brown eyes and black hair. He was pretty creepy if you ask me.”

“Hmm…doesn’t sound familiar. What was his name again?” I asked.

“Uh…well actually…he didn’t say and I forgot to ask,” Zack said.

“You’re a retard you know that?” I rolled my eyes at him. “Now go away.” I closed my locker and picked up my bag.

“Well whatever. Don’t let this guy get too close…he looks dangerous. See ya.” Zack walked down the hallway.

“What a retard! Do I tell him who to hang out with? No!” I said in a loud whisper. I started to walk down the same way Zack went. Then I wondered why I had come back to the school. Maybe it was a force that called me towards Zack so he could scare me. Well I wasn’t really scared I just don’t like it when people know me and I don’t know them.

Someone opened the door to the exit and I almost ran right into it.

“Sorry. I didn’t see you.” The guy who opened it said. “Hey wait a second…” I looked up at him.

“Oh my god…” I felt lightheaded and very dizzy. The ground left my or maybe my feet left the ground. Then everything went black.

“Hey! Are you ok?” someone whispered. “Hello?” My head started shaking, or maybe someone was shaking me. I felt a hand against my forehead and then a bright light blinded me for a second. “Your eyes aren’t rolled back.”

I rolled onto my side and slowly opened my eyes. The place wasn’t familiar but I thought I had seen it before. I couldn’t remember. This big red couch…where had I seen it before? Why wasn’t I scared? I’m in a strange place that I don’t remember getting to. What is it about this place? Why am I so calm?

“Hi…” someone spoke from far away, at least it seemed far away. I sat up and looked around the room some more.

“Where am I?” I asked looking at the window; which had little sun catchers hanging in it.

“My house. You fainted at school. You’re dehydrated or something. The school nurse said something like that, and you’re really skinny.”

“Huh?” I looked away from the window and saw a tall guy with black hair standing in the doorway. “Jon.” The name rolled off my tongue so easily, but with it came all my memories. How much had I forgotten? I wasn’t sure but everything made sense now. “Oh my god… I thought you were dead!” I shouted and threw a hand over my mouth.

“I almost did but then I just got better and better,” he said. He turned around and yelled down the hallway. “Marky! She’s alive now!”

“I…” I fell back on the couch and lay there. “I can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe you’re here.”

“She’s awake now?”

“Yeh. I think she’s shocked or something,” Jon said.

Mark walked up to me and sat at my feet.

“Long time no see huh?” he laughed. “Ya miss me?”

“Mark? Wow! It has been a while.” I looked at him for a minute or so. “Yeh I missed you.” I sat up again.

“Aw really? That’s so-” I threw my arms around him and he looked surprised.

“I missed you guys so much. I’m so happy right now. I had forgotten about you some how…could that be possible?” I asked and let go of Mark.

“Um I don’t know…sounds kinda strange to me,” Mark shrugged. “But anyways I’m glad to see you’re ok now. I’ve got to get to practice. See you tonight,” he said as he ran out the door. I watched as the station wagon backed out of the driveway.

“What does he play?” I asked trying to fill the silence.

“He sings,” Jon said as he walked over to me.

“OH! I thought he played like a sport.”

“Nope…music runs in the blood I guess.” He sat down where Mark ha been sitting and sighed. “So….”

“Yeh…” I looked down and started biting my lip. There was more awkward silence.

“Don’t you have a million burning questions to ask me?” Jon burst out.

“Yes, but I don’t want to talk.”

“Well then you can listen,” Jon whispered.

“What?” I asked because I hadn’t heard him.

“I overdosed on speed,” he said.

“What?” I said. “When?”

“Three months ago. Do you remember?”

“oh…I remember we fought and then Mark found you and was blaming me.”

“He blamed you? He never told me that before,” Jon said. “I don’t remember anything at all. It feels like it’s the day after that night but it’s not even close.”

“Yeh that’s true…” I turned to look at him. He looked much better than before. His skin was still pale but it wasn’t yellowish. His eyes weren’t sunken in anymore either. “I’m glad you’re better.”

“Better? Well I’m awake now but I…need your help. You remember my box?”

“Um…yeh. Why?” I asked cautiously.

“I need you to throw it away. Like, in the river or something. Anywhere I wont find it ever again,” Jon said. It sounded like he was serious but I knew he still would want it.

“Are you sure? When did you decided this?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to cause any more fights. I mean it’s not like I can just stop right now and guarantee I won’t ever do it again…I probably will but I’ll try not to…for you.” He looked at me with a sad, lonely face. I wished he hadn’t ever started drugs. He wouldn’t have been asleep for 3 months, but I can’t blame him anymore…

“I understand.” He stood up from the ground and sat on the cushion beside me. My fingers found their way up to his face and I held his head against my hand.

“You know, the first thing I wanted when I woke up was to have you there,” Jon said.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve been there,” I apologized.

“No. It’s not your fault. Why should anyone wait around that long for someone?” he asked.

“Well if they’d loved each other then they would.” I put my hand back at my side.

“We’re not in love?”

“We were and then we fought that night,” I explained. “But there shouldn’t be too much more of that fighting,” I said with a half smile.

“Right.” I rubbed my eyes and then yawned. “Are you tired?” he asked.

“Well surprisingly I am, even though I slept really late today.”

“That’s ok.” I rolled on my back and lay on his side. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

“I just realized something,” I said to him.

“What?”

“You really don’t know how much you love something until you lose it.”

I woke up when I heard a slam and then heavy footsteps. I jumped up and flicked on the light.

“AH!” Mark screamed.

“Oh! Whoops! Sorry about that Mark. I forgot you went out. You startled me a little,” I said trying to calm down.

“A little? That’s why you’re holding that shoe like it’s an axe?” Mark laughed.

“Heh, oops. When did I grab that?” I said as I dropped the shoe.

“Where’d you go Trinny?” Jon said while sitting up. He pulled me down onto the couch again and started kissing me.

“Um, Jon…can you please-”

“Dude! That’s sick!” Mark said as he popped open a coke. “Go to you room at least.”

Jon yelped when he heard Mark. “I didn’t know you were home!”

“I was trying to tell you that…” I mumbled.

“It shouldn’t matter whether I was home or not. Just go to you room. The couch is not for private use,” Mark said slightly annoyed.

“Yeh yeh…”

“I should go home,” I said as I put on my shoes and jacket.

“Why?” Jon asked, as if there was a problem with staying at a guy’s house on a school night.

“Because I’ve got to get home.”

“Oh…. ok,” he agreed softly.