“I was trying to act tough I guess because I didn’t want to be hurt anymore than you did.” My heart jumped.

“ So…are we still….”

“I still love you too…I’m sorry I was such a jerk.” I gave him a small kiss and put my arms around him.

“I forgive you. I’m sorry I was a bitch.” He put his finger over my lips.

“I like bitches.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me again. “You taste like Gushers,” he laughed. I smiled, glad that I had him back. I bet Jimmy talked him into doing this apology thing. I’d have to thank him.

“What’re you thinking about?” Jon asked kissing my neck. I pulled back so I could see his face.

“Just about what I am going to do to you.” I kissed him and bit his lip softly. He leaned back against the porch railing and kissed me back.

“I’m so glad you’re mine…again.”

He moved his hands lower and…

The railing cracked and we fell into the bushes below. “Oh my God! We broke the porch!” I laughed. Jonathan laughed hysterically too. “Your parents are gonna die when they see this!” I laughed as I stood up and staggered away. Jon stood up and rubbed his butt.

“Ow…” he moaned. “I think I broke my butt.”

“You probably did. Want me to rub it? Kiss it and make it better?”

“Well…if you’re offering-”

“What the hell did you do!?” Jimmy hollered as he ran outside.

“Um…” Jon answered.

I ran over to Jimmy and hugged him tightly. “Was this all your plan?” I asked. He shook his head yes. “Thank you so much.”

“Hey…” Jon whined. He came up behind me and put his hands on my hips.

“Don’t get jealous. Jimmy doesn’t like girls.” I spit out quicker than I could think about what I was saying.

“What?!” they both shouted.

“I meant that he doesn’t like me. He’s not gay…that’s not what I meant at all..”

“Maybe you should slow your brain down. Then you won’t mess up so much,” Jimmy said sounding kind of angry.

“Sorry,” I said looking at the ground.

“Hey you wanna go see a movie you guys?” Jon suggested.

“No. I have a date tonight,” Jimmy said flatly.

“What’s her name?” I prodded. “Is she cute?” Jon looked surprised.

“Chris and yes she’s cute. I’ve gotta go pick her up so I’ll see you guys later.” He ran across the lawn and down the sidewalk.

“I didn’t know he had a girl.”

“Well you’re not the only guy with a girlfriend you know,” I said while turning around to face him.

“True, but I’ve got the best girlfriend,” he said wit a smile.

Jimmy walked into the bar. The haze of cigarette and cigar smoke hung near the ceiling adding to the atmosphere of it. Two drunk, hairy men let out a loud laugh that startled Jimmy as he walked by their table. The men had girls hanging all over them. One girl looked at Jimmy, sneered when Jimmy looked back at her, and put her arm on the man’s chest…followed by more laughter.

He continued to walk but their laughter echoed in his ears even when he was well out of hearing distance. He felt they were laughing at him but it probably wasn’t that was at all. When you have no self confidence then it feels like everyone is staring, laughing, pointing, whispering, gossiping and bullying you, even if that’s not how it really is.

From here he could make out Chris’s face through the smoke. It was faint but still there.

‘Should I go over there? What should I say? What if she looks at me funny? What if she doesn’t laugh at my stupid jokes?’ Jimmy thought.

Chris leaned her head on her right hand. The beer bottle in front of her was half empty. She looked like she’d been sitting there for a while. ‘Maybe I should forget it. I mean she’s like the most popular girl in school.’ His eyes scanned the floor and then at her again. Her head turned as her eyes scanned the crowded bar. She stopped suddenly and smiled in Jimmy’s direction. She waved her arm.

“Hey!” She grabbed her beer and jogged over to him. Jimmy stayed in his seat at the bar.

“Hi…” His voice quivered. “Been waiting long?” he asked.

“Not really. I just got here real early.”

“Oh.”

“Yeh I’m usually late so I try to get to places early,” she laughed. Jimmy half heartedly smiled. It wasn’t really that funny.

“So why did you want to meet in a bar?” he asked.

“There are plenty of guys.”

“In case you don’t like me?” Jimmy added.

She paused. “Oh yeah! Of course! Only if I don’t like you.”

“So did David put you up for this? I mean you guys just broke up right?” Jimmy asked.

“Actually, I wanted a different guy. David was a good friend but that was it I guess. He told me you were single and since I’ve seen you before I knew you weren’t ugly or anything,” she giggled.

Jimmy wasn’t moved. He’d rather be at the movies with Jon…but we weren’t at the movies.

The TV screen blurred together with random flashes of lights and I closed my eyes.

‘It must be at least 8 by now.’ I started slipping into the dark and my body was relaxed. I let out a sigh but it some how turned into a loud snore. Suddenly I was awake. I opened my eyes and laughed. I only snore when I’ve got allergies. ‘This sucks,’ I thought.

Jon poked me in the arm. “You snored…really loud,” he said with a yawn. “I was almost asleep too.”

“Sorry. It’s my allergies.” I stood up and turned off the TV. I stretched and looked at the clock on the wall.

“Oh my God! It’s 11:38! How’d it get so late?” I shouted after yawning loudly.

“We fell asleep and woke up then went to sleep again remember?”

“And it took up that much time? Wow…” I said.

“You look stoned. Your eyes are all puffy and red,” he said flatly.

“Allergies!” I yelled rubbing my left eye.

“Sure…” He smirked and raised his eyebrows.

I was about to say something when a totally different thought came to me. “What’re you gonna do with your stash?”

“What?”

“Your stash,” I repeated.

“I heard you…” he mumbled. He stood up and walked back to his room and I followed.

“You see…I cant just throw it away, but I cant sell it because if I got caught that way I would be in worse trouble than for using it.” He lifted up the sheet and reached under his bed. A black ADIDAS box was revealed and he pulled the out.

“You just keep it under you bed?!”

“Why not?” he asked.

“It’s too easy to find it!” I shouted.

“No one comes in my room.”

“How do you know that? You haven’t been here in forever.”

“No one cares what goes on in my room. Besides…” he lifted the box on top of his bed. “Why would they look under my bed?”

“It’s a very common hiding spot. Maybe they suspected something,” I suggested.

“You don’t think Mark would tell do you?” he asked quietly.

“It’s always possible,” I said with a shrug. “But Mark gets his own stuff too so I don’t think he would.”

“yeh. So he wouldn’t have told. I’ve never gotten caught either.”

“What’re you getting at?” I asked. I put my hand on the lip of the shoebox so he couldn’t open it.

“Come on Trinny…remember that time at Brian’s party? You were really happy. You were really comfortable with yourself. You were dancing and stuff,” he persuaded.

“Uh huh…funny. I can’t remember that! I wonder why? Oh wait I do remember on thing!” I yelled. “Yeh you were flying on speed and some other shit and you practically raped me!”

He stood there and bit his lip. “I don’t remember that at all…” he said quietly. He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again. “I’m sorry. I was probably drunk. It wasn’t the speed.”

I glared at him and raised my eyebrows. Jon’s eyes held no emotion for a moment and then his body jumped at the thought of an idea.

“So do you mean I had you before him?!” he smiled.

“You wish! I said ‘practically’. I wouldn’t have let you go all the way,” I said.

He looked at me and frowned.

“So what did I do to you?”

“Um…I can’t tell you…”

“Then show me.”

I stared him in the eye. Like hell I would go and re-enact the most terrifying night of my life. Well…it really wasn’t so terrifying.

“Oh its stupid really you just stole my first kiss and French kiss and you uhhh touched me.” I knew I was blushing.

He smiled widely and got his face close to mine. “Oh really?” He paused and then leaned back. “Where?”

“Fuck off you perv!” I shouted and shoved his shoulders. Apparently that was enough to know him off balance. He fell on to the bed and something fell off his bookshelf on to the floor.

“What’s that?” I asked picking up the book.

“How should I know?” he said with his eyes closed. He rolled on to his side and pretended to go to sleep.

I opened the book to find a photo album. There was a baby photo of him with a rattle in the bathtub. I turned the page and it jumped straight to age 15. “Oooo…you’re cute!” I said pointing to a picture of him skateboarding on the sidewalk. I turned the page again.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” He opened his eyes and then gasped. “no don’t-“

“Who’s that Jon?” I pointed to a picture of a blonde girl with a pink mini-skirt and pink tank top. Her hair was in high pigtails that had been crimped. Her left hand was clutching a yellow daisy and her right hand clung tightly around a boy’s arm.

“Is that you? It looks exactly like you now except you’re not wearing black.” I kind of raised my voice.

“Um…”

I quickly flipped through the rest. There were only about 5 pages left, mostly of the band, some of family, none of me.

Jimmy stood and helped Chris up. She had had more than enough drinks. Jimmy put his hand around her waist.

“What’re ya doin?” she jerked free and fished in her pocket for her keys. “I’m not handicapped!”

“I’ll drive,” Jimmy said firmly. He held up her keys.

“How’d you get those?!” she slurred.

“Didn’t I mention I was a thief in my former life?”

“No…so how’d you get reborn huh? Or are you a demon from hell?” she laughed.

“Neither.”

He sat her in the Honda she described to him and drove her to the address on her license. She fell asleep on the way there so he carried her to the door and then shook her awake. “We’re here. I’ve got to go. Get some sleep. I’ll see you later.” Even though he knew he wouldn’t. She took a few minutes to find the keyhole but eventually she got it and went inside.

“Well that went well…” He started walking down the sidewalk. He’d be walking for a while but he didn’t have work the next day so it was fine to have a long walk.

“Let me explain!” Jon shouted; jumping up from the bed.

“Ok…” I responded, very annoyed.

“Yeh, well…you see, that’s Kami…uh my ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh really?” I said crossing my arms over my chest.

“No! That’s not it! You see, she stuck that picture in there when we were going out.”

“How long ago was that?” I asked.

“Oh…” he looked at the picture again. “4 months ago. But-“

What?” I shouted.

“No you see-“

“Why didn’t you throw it away?” I yelled.

“I haven’t been here!” Jon shouted grabbing my shoulders. “I haven’t been home in forever!”

I dropped the book and turned my head away when he looked like he was gonna start yelling again.

“Trinny?” He let go. “Sorry.”

“Hey you know what Jon?” I said.

Jon was silent, or maybe just being cautious.

“I think I need to get home.”

“Why?” he asked kind of surprised.

“Because my mom will worry. I need to get to sleep too.” I stood up and placed the book on his bed.

“Look! Why the hell do you get pissed off so easily?!”

“Because I’m annoyed with you Jon. You and I get into arguments like that?” I snapped my fingers. “You need to straighten out your life before you think you have the right to come ripping mine down again and again!” I walked towards the door and started to open it.

“Why the fuck do I always get blamed for shit?!” he yelled slamming the door closed again.

“Maybe because you’re guilty?!” I yelled back. “Let me out!” I pushed him in the shoulders and he staggered to the side.

“Get out then! I don’t get why you fuck can Brian but I can’t keep pictures of my ex!” he yelled.

“Leave me alone!”

“She is a lot cuter than you huh? She let me fuck her,” he said calmly.

“Shut up! Shut up!” I screamed and threw all my body weight into one push. I heard glass shatter as he fell down.

I ran out the front door, forgetting my jacket on the counter and my shoes next to the couch. The sidewalk was warm from the steam the rain created on the concrete. Something tickled my nose and I scratched at it. My finger was wet. Why? Wait…was I crying? When did that happen? I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and it was wet. Tears. I wish tears weren’t visible. They should only be visible when you want them to be. I don’t want everyone to know how I feel. I stepped on a rock and I winced as I felt it puncture my foot. I slowed my pace down and sat on the sidewalk. I could see Jonathan’s house from where I was sitting but it was pretty far away. I looked at my foot and realized it wasn’t a rock at all. It was a brown piece of glass…a beer bottle no doubt.

“I can’t go on like this…” I whispered to myself. I pulled out the glass and threw it into the street.

I heard a car coming so I got up and started walking again although it hurt to do so. The car sped up and passed by me, splashing gutter water on me. “Thanks asshole!” I yelled at the car.

Life was moving too fast. Just this morning hadn’t I written in my diary that I was going to marry him? It didn’t seem real, not at all. What had happened today? I was being very sensitive and Jonathan was being very insensitive. I looked ahead down the sidewalk and saw a person further down.

“Great.” I hated passing by people on foot at night. It was scary. I kept to the right side and looked left and right avoiding eye contact. The streetlamp ahead was out and all I could see of him was long brown dreadlocks, probably a hobo. He got closer and the light shone down on him with it orange-yellow glow. He had on torn jeans and a torn denim jackets. He looked at me and I turned my attention to the ground.

“Trinny?”

I looked up and realized it was Jimmy. I felt bad for calling him a hobo and for being scared of him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Why would you think something is wrong?” I asked biting my cheek.

“You’re crying.”

“I am? What?” I felt a tear roll down my check again. “They should be invisible.”

“What?”

“Tears…you shouldn’t be able to see them,” I said wiping my eyes again.

“They’re only visible to people who care about you, Trinny.”

“Fuck off! I don’t need anyone!” I pushed him out of my way.

“Where are you going?” he yelled after me.

“Home!”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I live there stupid!” I yelled.

“Wait! What happened?!” He followed me for a little bit and then he stopped. He noticed I wasn’t wearing any shoes. “That’s suspicious…”

Suddenly someone shoved him in the back.

“What the hell!?” Jimmy screamed.

“Hey. Where’d she go?” Mark said.

“God! You scared the-“

“Where’d she go? Home?” he interrupted.

“Yeh. Why?”

“I gotta get her!” He said running down the sidewalk.

“Wait a second. Is something wrong? Why won’t anyone tell me anything?” Jimmy said following Mark.

“Trinny! Hold up!” Mark yelled.

“My God! Why wont you leave me alone? Are you fucking stalkers or something?!” I yelled. I stopped and waited for them.

“What happened about ten minutes ago?” Mark asked anxiously.

“What the fuck do you care? It’s none of your business!”

“Did Jon take something while you were there? Any pills or something?”

“What?…no.”

“Shit!” He hollered and grabbed at his hair. “What did you say to him?! What the fuck did you fight about this time?”

“Excuse me?! He’s an asshole and I don’t give a shit about him anymore!”

“Good! I knew you were a bitch the first time I met you! I can’t believe Jon gave you his time!” Mark screamed.

“I had no idea what I was doing until it was too ate. My hand smacked Mark’s face and I heard a loud crack. “Don’t ever talk to me like that again!”

“I don’t plan to ever talk to you again!” Mark flipped me off but I didn’t care.

“Breath!” Jimmy shouted. “Both of you!”

“Don’t pretend to be my friend! And don’t tell me to calm down!” I yelled.

“Yeh she’d rather yell for the whole world to hear,” Mark said with a laugh.

“Fuck you!” I screamed as loud as I could. ‘Just walk away…’ a voice in my head repeated. ‘Just ignore it…’

I did. I cut through a driveway and jumped a fence.

“Coward!” His voice carries through the yard. “I bet you poisoned him!”

“Shut up already! She’s gone!” I heard Jimmy say. It was quiet after that.

‘Poison? That was random… I wonder what he was talking about pills and shit for…’ I though.

When I got home no one greeted me. No one was home.

“Either they’re out looking for me or they’re still gone,” I said.

I went upstairs and rinsed my feet off in the sink and put a band-aid over the cut.

I looked in the medicine cabinet for Alieve but there was none. I picked up a prescription bottle and read it.

“Hydrocodine,” I paused and red the directions. “2 a day as needed. This is that shit Jen told me about.” I took out 5. I stared at them and then decided 4 was enough. I went into my room; locked the door and went to sleep.

Light filled my room but I slept straight through it.

When I woke up it was 3 in the afternoon. I hadn’t slept this late in a while. Strange.

I rolled over to go back to sleep when the phone rang. I sat there as it rang. I herd my mom pick up the phone and say hello.

“No. I’m afraid she’s still asleep now.” It was for me. “Can I take a message?” Silence. “Who?” She was silent again. “Oh…I’m so sorry. I’ll tell her. Is there a number where she can reach you?” She looked around the kitchen for a pen. She found one and wrote down a number. “That last part was 4657 right?” Silence. “Ok. Bu-Bye.” She hung up the phone.

“What was that all about?” I wondered.

A loud knock came at my door.

“Trinny! Wake up!” Mom yelled through the door.

“I am! Stop shouting!” I answered still sitting in bed.

“Open the door or I’ll have Richard-“

“Have Richard what?” I snapped. I stood up and opened my window.

“Just unlock this door please?”

“Why don’t you just tell me through the door?” I said.

“You got a call from a Jimmy Williams.” She said his name in a suspicious tone. “He said to call him at this number.” She pushed a piece of paper under the door.

“Thanks.” I picked up the paper.

“Where were you last night? I was worried sick!”

“I fell asleep at a friend’s house,” I said shortly.

“Jimmy’s house?”

“No! Don’t think you know anything about my life just because one boy calls me!” I shouted at the door. “He’s just a friend!”

“Then who’s your boyfriend?” she asked quietly.

“What?!” I said in surprise.

“He was here last night wasn’t he?”

“What?!” How did she know that? My heart raced. What did she see exactly?

“He was asleep on the couch.” She paused. “Are you sexually involved with-“

“Sexually involved?!”

“Yes. Are you?” She sounded like I was such a bother to talk to.

“NO!! He’s not ever with me anymore!”

“So, what did-“

“Stop spying on me! I don’t question you about fucking Richard!”

“Excuse me?!”

“When Dad hears about all this he’ll kill you! He’s not a stupid person. He just got caught for something you didn’t!” I shouted.

“Your father is in prison for a long time! He told me to drive away if things went wrong and the cops came. Don’t talk like you know everything young lady!” she shouted back. “Now open this door!” She slammed against the door.

“Why? So you can run in here and hit me?” I put on my shoes. “I’m not stupid you know.”

“God damn it open this door!”

“Open it yourself.” I climbed out the window with the piece of paper in my pocket. The number wasn’t Jimmy’s home so where could he be? Maybe it’s a pay phone, or his work number. Oh, but he doesn’t work today, it’s Wednesday.

I found a pay phone at the intersection near my house and dialed the number. It rang about 8 times before someone picked up.

“Hello?” It was a man with a sort of deep voice.

“Um…is Jimmy there?” I asked cautiously.

“Oh, just a second.” He put down the phone and a few seconds later Jimmy picked up.

“Hello,” he said quietly.

“Hi. You called me?”

“Yeh. Are you ok?” he asked.

“Fine. Why’d you call?” Yeh well fine didn’t really begin to describe how I was but whatever.

“Jon’s in the hospital.”

“What?”

“He’s in a coma. He’s not moving or responding or anything.”

“What?! Why? Is he dying?! Oh my God…” I blurted out all at once.

“Can you come to Saint John’s Hospital on 11th?” Jimmy asked.

“Uhm…yeh but, do you know how he…how’d it happen?” I asked afraid he might have hit his head when I pushed him.

“Mark went home and found him laying in the bathroom with a needle on the countertop…Apparently he overdosed on something. Luckily he didn’t die.”

“Don’t be stupid! He still could die!”

“But he’ll probably wake up.”

I was quiet for a moment. In the background I heard a nurse tell him to step out of the room.

“I gotta go. So you’ll come?”

“….Yes.”

“I’ll be in the main lobby ok?”

“Yeh sure,” I mumbled.

“Bye.”

I didn’t respond, so Jimmy just hung up. I put the phone back on the hook and my change fell into the collector.

Jon was almost dead because of me. If I hadn’t left he wouldn’t have overdosed. If I hadn’t made a big deal about the chic in the picture we wouldn’t have fought. If I hadn’t asked about his stash he wouldn’t have fought about that. It’s all my fault. I’m such a complainer. I started walking and then realized just how far I had to walk.

‘Ok. Next pay phone, I’ll call him and ask for a ride.’

And I did. They got Jimmy on the phone.

“Can you come pick me up?” I asked.

“Yeh. Where are you?”

“1st and Ferry Rd,” I said.

“Anywhere in particular?” he asked.

“A Seven Eleven.”

“Ok. I’ll be there in a sec. Bye.”

“Bye.” I hung up and sat on a bench out front It was kind of creepy with all the guys running in and out getting their beer. Hopefully none of them would speak to me.

A black Honda civic pulled up and parked in front of me. He sat in his car for a moment and lit a cigarette. Then he got out and leaned against the car.

“You waitin’ on someone?” he asked with a deep voice. It surprised me because he spoke so smoothly.

“Yeh I am. Just a friend.”

He was wearing a black trench coat and black jeans. They were torn but not patched and he had a chain on his belt loop going to his back pocket. He had a fish net shirt on and I could see a lock on his neck. A studded collar clung around his neck as well.

“Aren’t you hot?” I asked. It was an obvious question. I mean we are talking about California in the summer. South California, I might add.

“Not really, no.” He had spiked red hair and a black goatee. “I’m not from around here actually. Just visiting my parents.”

“Really? How nice. I could care less about my parents,” I said before I really realized what I was saying.

“You shouldn’t. They raised you.” He took a drag and blew the smoke to the side. “Everyone should. Even though I don’t call them, a visit once in a while is all they ask. It’s not that hard.”

“Well not everyone should love their parents. Some kids are abused. What person deserves love from their victim?”

“I know they’re out there but all they gotta do is report it,” he said coldly.

“Report it?” I shouted. “How’s a 3 year old gonna tell a police officer he’s being beaten or starved? How does a 16 year old admit his Aunt molested him?! It’s not done so easily,” I said.

“I’ve never heard of a guy being-”

“Well now you have.” Why had this guy come over to me? If I were wearing Abercrombie and Fitch I bet he would have ignored me instead…

“So is he a friend of yours?” he asked.

I looked him in the eye and glared. “Yes.” I said forcefully. “My boyfriend for 3 years,” I lied.

“Wow. You really got a thing for him then.” He took his last drag off that cigarette ad snuffed it out on the bench next to me. “By the way, I like you outfit. Very goth.”

“I’m not goth,” I said flatly.

“Well that outfit is. You’re a poser then?” he asked. I noticed he had pale skin and dark brown eyes.

“Maybe I am.”

“I don’t think you are. You’re just searching too hard for an image.”

“Uh huh…”

“It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t look good on you,” he said sitting down next to me.

At that moment Jimmy pulled up.

“I’m sorry I’ve got to go.” I ran over to Jimmy’s very ghetto looking car.

“Hey wait!” he called after me.

I got in the car and he came up to the window.

“You want to go out sometime?”

I looked at Jimmy and immediately he swung his arm over me.

“Look buddy, back off my girl ok?” he said sternly.

“Oh sorry. I didn’t know.” He stood there and unwaveringly said, “Maybe we could hang out sometime?”

“No,” Jimmy answered. “Don’t you listen? She’s mine. Now back off!”

“Chill! Ok.” The guy walked away and went into the Seven Eleven. We drove off.

“Thanks,” I said with an earnest smile.

“It’s ok. Guys never listen to girls. They need another guy to tell them off,” he laughed. “He must be hot in all that get up!”

“I laughed too. “That’s what I said to him.” I turned to put on my seat belt and noticed Jimmy’s arm still there. “Um…”

“Huh? What?” He saw me point. “OH! I’m sorry! I didn’t notice cuz I usually put my arm there when I drive.” He moved his arm to his side of the car.

“That’s fine,” I said while buckling my seat belt. There was silence until we reached the hospital.