“I don’t want to go.”

He looked up at me.

“I don’t want to see Richard ever…I hate him. He thinks he’s got me under his thumb just cuz he’s got Mom,” I said resting my head in my hands. He rubbed his sunken eyes with the palm of his hand and sighed.

“Where are you going to go then?” he asked.

“I could go to Jennifer’s place. She doesn’t care,” I paused as Jon stood up. “Maybe Jimmy could hide you…instead of me.” I knew he wouldn’t be able to house Jon. He worked 5 days a week.

“Hmm,” he responded. That was a ‘no’.

“Or you could go home…” I said softly.

Jon let out a loud, short laugh. “You’re not my mother don’t tell me what to do!”

“I wasn’t telling you to do anything. It was just a suggestion. You’re not working and you’ll need money so you might as well.”

“Yeh well thanks, but no thanks. I’ve got my own ways of getting money rather than going back to that place.” He went over to the window and opened it, popped out the screen, went out feet first and crouched on the roof there.

“Ways like what Jon?” I called after him. He slid down the post holding up the little roof over the porch.

“Stuff.” He hit the ground hard and stumbled a little.

“Like what?!” I was afraid. There was only one thing in my mind that could support someone without a job.

“Is it drugs?”

He was quiet, but kept walking away.

“Jonathan! Answer me!” I yelled. I crawled out on the roof and just jumped from there. Practice was all it took and practice I had plenty of. It didn’t hurt my legs when I landed anymore.

“I’m good at what I do and it gets me through. What’s to say?!” he said turning on his heel to face me. I ran to him and almost tripped on the garden hose hidden in the grass.

“You said if it ever got to that point in order to survive, you would go home.”

“Did I?”

“Yes!” I was crying…I remembered what I had promised I would do if he didn’t go home and dealt drugs instead.

“And you said you would leave me if I got into drugs,” he said coldly. I looked in his eyes but only saw the dark circles underneath them. I thought they were from reoccurring nightmares. Now I knew he had been bullshitting me. Those sleepless nights were from all the speed he was on. I thought he was skinny because he never ate. Guess I was wrong.

“You lied to me didn’t you? All those times you said you couldn’t go home cuz you were scared was just bullshit! You were probably tripping out and scared of what your daddy would think!” I yelled at him.

“Well, while we’re on that subject, why don’t you tell me the real reason Brian likes you so much? I know he hates me and everything I have…but he likes you. He really does huh?”

“I don’t like him!” I cried. “I never-”

“Do you actually need to like him in order to fuck him?!” Anger pulsed in his voice. I was scared and the neighbors were probably enjoying the show too.

“It was only once! And I did it so you could stay at this cousin’s house. So you,” I coughed, “could….so you wouldn’t have to go home!” I started to cry really hard but it didn’t soften Jon at all.

“Oh! Only once! So that makes me feel better,” he said sarcastically.

“I was trying to forget. It was for you!”

“So you fucked him for me? While you were my girlfriend!?”

“Stop saying that!” I covered my ears.

“What? Fuck?” he said. He stepped towards me and grabbed my arms. He held them down at my side. “Is that why you never did it with me? Because you’d already been had by him and you weren’t the virgin you claim to be?” he whispered harshly into my ear.

“But I didn’t love him and I never will!” I sobbed. He let me go. “Can’t we just forget?” I held my head in my hands.

He looked down at me in pity.

“Start over?” I sniffled.

“Life’s not a game. You can’t play with people’s hearts.” He walked away with his hands in his pockets.

“No…you just don’t play it right!” I shouted.

“Whatever, Slut.” Those words hit me and caught me off guard. I forced out something just as harsh.

“Keep walking, Faggot! I hope you get sent to jail!” I didn’t really. I hoped he’d come running back.

“Better stay off my streets. Don’t get raped!” But by saying that last part he meant that he hoped I would. He didn’t turn around and run back to me saying he was sorry and that he wanted to start again. No. He just climbed the fence and disappeared through the neighbor’s yard. It was over. I’d never see him again.

“Come back…” I whispered to the air. “I didn’t mean it…” My eyes watered and I cried uncontrollably.

The back door opened and I heard someone step out onto the porch. “Are you coming?” It was Mom.

“No. I feel sick. Can I stay home?” I said as calmly as I could. Had she heard our fight; my crying and his yelling?

“Ok. You should probably lie down. You looked a little feverish this morning.”

She came over and took me back inside.

“Bye!” Richard said cheerfully and closed the door behind Mom. I locked the door and ran up to my room where I locked that door too.

I hugged my pillow tightly and shoved my face into its fluff. I screamed loudly even though it was muffled. My face distorted as I cried and I wasn’t sure if I was angry or sad. I pulled away from the soft, comforting pillow and threw it across the room hitting my dresser. Things fell off and rolled away. I hiccupped when my sobs got tangled with my breathing and that made me cry more for some reason.

I jumped up and ran over to the wall which I kicked making a dent. I ripped a Metallica poster off the wall as I slid to the floor in an emotional blob.

“Jonathan!” I wailed in a high-pitched cry. My hand covered my eyes but my mouth started to drool and I had to wipe away that too. I cried his name until my voice went away and my throat was raw.

I clutched the pillow that had been chucked across the room and hugged it against my chest again. I curled up on my side breathed in his scent on my pillow. It was calming in a way. I pictured his peaceful face against the pillow, sleeping like he had been just a few minutes before. My face was probably red and my eyes must have been worse, but it didn’t seem to matter anymore. What was the point in looking good? He won’t take me back and I don’t want anyone else.

A feeling of shame and embarrassment came over me as I lay there looking pathetic and hopeless. If anyone saw me like this they would probably laugh. I look like a dog…lying on the floor, drooling and howling into an empty house that echoed his words.

“Slut.” I cringed and squinted my eyes closed. It repeated in my head just the way he had said it. My eyes began to dry though and had enough strength to stand up.

“I could write him a note…” I said looking at my notebook lying on the floor. “I could explain why I-“ But I stopped in mid-sentence. I had called him a faggot. Nothing hurt him more than that. “Why did I-“ but I knew I had said that to hurt him. He had no reason to start yelling and hurting me with his words.

“I’ll go to Jen. She’s a pro at mending relationships.” But there was no way to mend this one. You had one piece but the other was lost. Jen was still my best friend and I needed her now.

“You WHAT?!” Jen hollered, throwing her hands down. “How can you break up?!”

“Well I didn’t…he was freaking out. I just got really mad too.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you…did it with Brian?” She whispered it like someone was listening but we were home alone so there was no chance of that. “I mean we are best friends and you’re supposed to share. I don’t think much of it but…I could’ve helped you make a better decision.”

She twisted her mouth the way she always did when she just wanted to scream, ‘you’re so dumb!’

“I’m kind of wondering how you had sex with Brian in order for Jon to stay at Brian’s house though…I mean it strikes me as a ‘red flag’ when someone has sex for the benefit of their boyfriend.” She took a breath and pulled her hair out of her face. “So you were like, ‘Can Jon stay here?’ and Brian was like, ‘Only if you’ll have sex with me,’ and you said ‘ok’?” she said sarcastically but it wasn’t meant to be funny at all. She was mocking me; trying to embarrass me, but she didn’t have to do much of that. It was embarrassing enough just telling her that I had done that much.

“That’s not it Jen!” I shouted. “You should’ve seen Jon! He came over to my house crying! Balling his eyes out!”

She gave me a look like, ‘so what?’ “And?…”

“Well…” I sat against her bed on the floor. “I can’t tell you…” I remember how Jon looked that day at the high school parking lot; how red his face was from crying; how his body leaned on me until he could support himself. I remembered the promise I made back a while ago, in his room. I couldn’t tell Jen. She was my best friend but…even if he was my boyfriend, as in not anymore, I couldn’t break that promise. It’s…too personal. If he knew I told anyone the he wouldn’t trust anyone ever again. I couldn’t dot hat to him.

“Why not?” Jen asked in an almost pissed off way.

“Because I promised. He told me I couldn’t! Besides you’d think I was lying!”

“Well right now I think you’re lying. I don’t think you have a reason for what you did,” she snapped.

“I do!” I yelled.

“Then what is it?!” Jen shouted. She was annoyed at me, I could tell.

If I told her then she would 1) not believe me and tell me to stop lying, 2) say that that still wasn’t a good enough reason or 3)…believe me and spread it around the school.

“You’re not going to say are you?” She was calm, even a little comforting in the way she said it. I shook my head ‘no’ and stood up. “I can’t help you then. But since you can talk to Jon about it then I think you should call him. If he doesn’t accept you’re apology then…” She didn’t need to say anymore, I got the message.

“I’ll try that,” I said, walking out of her room. She followed me to the front door.

“If you want to tell me later you can call. Even if you just want to talk.” She opened the door but I didn’t leave. My eyes got really blurry and I felt warms tears drip down my cheeks. ‘Not again,’ I thought.

“Jennifer,” I sniffled.

“What’s wrong?” She closed the door.

I didn’t answer her, I just kept on crying. She hugged me loosely.

I stepped back and wiped my eyes and then my nose. “Jen…I love him so much. I can’t give him up. I don’t understand why anyone would do that to him.” I felt new tears fall.

“Do what?”

I looked her in the eyes and saw her concern, whether it was for me or Jon was another question. “Raped.”

“Raped?!” she repeated. Jen’s eyes went all wide and her mouth opened but no words came out.

“Sexually abused…what’s the difference anyways? Either way Jon’s life has been ruined by some one he trusted! Do you know what that does to some one? Do you have any idea how much pain he lives with?!” I shouted. I wasn’t mad at Jen end though I was yelling at her. I was angry that some one could get away with that. “Maybe I’ll tell you everything someday…” I paused to wipe my nose again. “Until then if you ask Jon I’ll kill you.” She looked at me with the same bug eyes. “Keep it between us. I trust you Jen.” I held out my hand and we shook on it.

“Bye,” I said, not looking at her as I closed the door behind me.

I walked down her driveway and stopped. I looked left. That way was my house, and to the right was Jon’s. I doubt he went home, but just maybe… A drop of water hit my hand. Great. Rain. Just what I needed on the one day I choose to walk somewhere. I hadn’t seen Jon’s house in forever, and it was closer than my house from here. I didn’t fell like going home anyways. He wouldn’t be at his house because he walked the opposite was when he left my house. I bet he went to David’s.

I shoved my hands in my sweatshirt pocket and put my hood up. I wondered if Jon remember that day as well as I did. I bet he didn’t, otherwise he would’ve understood.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The doorbell rang and I groaned. This was the first time in like a month I had sat down to do Math homework. Of course someone had to interrupt me right in the middle of it.

“Hello?” I said through the door.

“Can I come in? Trinny?” It was Jon, but he sounded different.

“Of course!” I swung the door open and pulled him inside. “What’s up?” I closed the door and locked it again. My dad has just gone to get dinner and Mom was on her honeymoon with Richard. “If you want to wait a second I gotta finish my Math. Dad wants to see my homework from now on because my grades were so horrible,” I took his hand and led him to the kitchen. I grabbed two beers out of the cabinet. I wasn’t sure what they were but my dad drank them warm so they must be good because he’s pretty picky. “Here.”

Jon took it and just held it.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, finally noticing that he had been pretty quiet right now. He didn’t answer. I took his hand again and walked up stairs to my room. I sat down on my pillow and picked up my math again. I was almost done.

“2x…” I hadn’t done homework in so long I was starting to forget the formulas. “Damn it!” It wasn’t right. I checked in the back of the book.

“Can I stay here tonight?”

My pencil point broke. “Huh?!” I said raising my head.

“Can I?” he asked in the unusually low, sad, voice he answered at the door with.

“No way! We’ve only been going out for a month.” I closed my math book. It could wait.

“No! That’s not what I meant!” he shouted. “I just don’t feel like going home.”

“Well I’m sorry, but that’s a sad excuse. I never want to go home, but I always do.” I opened my beer and chugged it.

“Can you open mine for me?” he holding his bottle out to me.

“Why? You too weak?” I teased, but still took it from him. I noticed a large purple ring around each wrist, like a bruise, but bruises were from hits. They weren’t rings. “What happened? You’re all discolored.” I popped open the beer and handed it back.

He pulled his hands out of sight and set his drink on my desk. “I don’t know,” he said nervously.

“You didn’t try suicide did you?” I asked scooting next to him on the floor.

“No,” he said softly, like he was going to cry. I looked at his face and he looked like he might cry too.

“Please don’t ever. I love you,” I said leaning on his shoulder. He winced in pain and instead put his arm over my shoulder. Another bruise I guess.

“It just hurts a little. It’ll go away.” He laid his head on top of mine and took a deep breath.

“Jon?” I didn’t move my head to see his face. It was too comfortable the way we were.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered.

‘But I do…’ I thought. A wet tear hit my hand and I knew it wasn’t mine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The rain had really started to pour down but on Jon’s porch it was fine. I was still soaked though. The garage didn’t have any cars in it so no one was must have been home. Jon’s car was still parked in the dirt lot across the street where he had parked it last night when we got back. If you walked through the lot you would end up in my neighbors backyard.

I rang the doorbell twice, and waited. No one came to the door so I decided to wait on the porch till it stopped raining. The rain made the street steamy and it seemed like it wouldn’t stop raining any time soon. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Couldn’t I just have one of those regular relationships where you have no problem with sex? Come on God don’t you have someone else to pick on? I put my face in my hands and felt pain rush through my palms. I looked at the purple bruises on the sides of my hands from where I fell to the floor earlier. I hadn’t even realized I fell the hard. My hands look like his did that day, just not on my wrists.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

His hand loosened around my shoulder and he coughed or something. It sounded like he was crying. “Jonathan?” I turned and looked at him. He had watery eyes but only one tear trailed down his face. It was the first time I had seen a guy cry. “What’s wrong?” I sat on my knees right in front of him and held his hand gently. “Tell me.”

“I can’t.” He turned his head away.

“Yes you can. Just come out with it.”

His hands sweaty all of a sudden but they stayed cold. I put a finger over a purple line on his wrist. “What’s this?”

“A bruise.” At least he answered my question, although it was obvious that it was a bruise.

“What’s it from?”

This time he paused and gave my hands a short squeeze. He looked at his left wrist. “A rope,” then he looked to the right one, “and a belt.”

“How did it happen?” His hands looked very sore the more I stared.

“My aunt…” he mumbled. He dropped his head.

“Which one? Marg-“

“Yes.” I was surprised how quickly he answered. “She…tied me down.”

“Why?” I shouted.

“Ask her,” he said sarcastically.

“But I’m asking you. Tell me.” I moved my fingers along the palm of his hand. “Just between us.”

“Margaret doesn’t usually come over to my house. Yesterday when I was upstairs playing on my dad guitar I heard the doorbell ring. So, I went down to answer it. Jimmy said that he was going to call me and sometimes he just decides to drop by with out calling instead.” I nodded. Too many times he’d done the to me. “So, I answered it and Aunt Margaret is standing there with a basket. I think there was like some wine and breadstuff in there but I couldn’t really see. She said that it was for Mom and Dad…for their anniversary. I invited her in to set it on the counter and write a note for them since they were on a cruise somewhere.” I started to bit my lip. I thought I knew where it was going, but I hoped I was wrong.

“She needed a pen so I went back to my room to get one but she followed me in and closed the door. I asked her what she was doing but didn’t answer me…she just pushed me onto the bed ad told me to shut up.”

“No! Jonathan….she didn’t….how far?” I asked.

“She tied me down and stuffed the corner of the sheet in my mouth. Then she pulled up my shirt and…” He shivered remembering it. “She didn’t get my pants off though. I don’t think she wanted that much. Just enough to…” I guess that was a small relief in a way. I pulled him towards me and hugged him tightly. It wasn’t fair but that didn’t even begin to describe it.

“As long as you don’t let go I’ll be ok,” he said putting his arms around my waist.

Then my dad came in and yelled at me. I think I made up some really weird excuse for him needing a place to stay and he locked us in separate rooms. I didn’t care as long as he was safe.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It got bright out and I noticed it had stopped raining. “I should go home.” I stood up and brushed the dirt off my butt. I twisted around to see if all the dirt was gone. Geez! I wouldn’t have sat down if I had known there was that much-

“Hey!”

My heart jumped and I screamed. I tried to take a deep breath but my heart was still in my throat.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jimmy said walking up to me.

“My God! I nearly died! You scared the shit out of me!” I laughed a little though because I must have looked like such a dork.

“Are you looking for Jon too?” he asked. “He called me from a pay phone and told me to meet him here.”

“No, I’m not looking for him…I don’t think I am.” I put my hands in my sweatshirt pocket again. “Do you know why he wants to see you?”

“Nope. He was just like, ‘Hey can you meet at my house in 20 minutes?’ I wasn’t doing anything so I walked here. Maybe he’s just late…” Jimmy said shrugging his shoulders.

“Wait! How long ago did he call you?”

“Um…25 minutes ago maybe? Maybe longer…I’m not sure.”

I’m not ready to talk to him yet! What will I say? What if we start fighting again? What if he makes up with me? What if he ignores me? What if I start crying? But I want to see him...

“Should I stay?...or do you think Jon sounded angry…meaning I should go?” I asked.

“He was talking really soft lie. He sounded sick…with a stuffy nose and sore throat you know?”

“Then should I stay? Or would he be mad?”

“How should I know? You’re his girlfriend! Controlled myself from saying otherwise.

“But you’re his best friend…don’t you know how he feels? You should,” I said crossing my arms.

“Whys it matter? Geez! If he gets pissed just say that you were on a walk and decided to drop by. You guys do live kind of close anyway.”

“Ok.” Jonathan wasn’t a dumb ass though. “I’ll just tell him the truth.”

“Which is?” he asked. I forgot I never told him why I was there.

“Um…I’m-“

“Hey Jon!” Jimmy hollered as he waved. Jonathan walked up the sidewalk.

I got nervous and my face got hot. “Jimmy…” I whispered and hid behind him. “Don’t let him see me…” I closed my eyes tight and held on to his jacket. “Please don’t see me…”

“Um…yeh. Hey man what’s up?”

“I need to talk to you…alone,” Jon said.

He saw me. Jimmy started to walk away but I still held onto his jacket.

“Hey let go!” He pulled but I didn’t let go. I felt a hand pull all my fingers back and the other hand held firmly onto my wrist. I let go and opened my eyes to see Jonathan holding my hands, but looking very angry. He didn’t feel the way I felt. His stomach didn’t get all fluttery when I was near. He was serious about what he said, but I wasn’t.

“Jimmy…come here a second.” Jonathan got out his keys and opened the front door. Jimmy followed him inside.

“You stay out here,” Jon said firmly and shut the door in my face.

“Why’d you do that? That was pretty rude Jon.” Jonathan started to open the refrigerator but didn’t.

“So what? She has no right coming over here! This is my house not hers! Why was she here anyway?” Jon reached into a high cabinet and got out a box of Gushers.

“Um…she didn’t say.” Jimmy opened a packet of Gushers and ate them. “Look, if you don’t want me here anymore then I’ll-”

“No. Stay. I need a friend,” he said putting his head in his hands.

“But you just left your friend on the porch,” Jimmy said flatly. Jon gave a short laugh.

“Listen, she’s not my friend anymore.”

“…You broke up?…” Jonathan shook his head yes. “No way!”

“Is it that hard to believe?! Shit like this happens all the time! It’s not that odd!” Jon shouted.

“Then why are you angry?”

“Because…” He bit his lip.

“Uh huh…”

“But she’ll have sex with Brian and not me! She doesn’t love me. I’m not going to pretend to be oblivious to everything. I can find someone better.”

“Can you?” Jimmy said sarcastically.

“Course I can! And I bet they’ll have sex with me and love me,” he said.

Jimmy coughed.

“Shut up! Fuck you! At least I got a girlfriend!”

“Had,” Jimmy corrected. “I don’t really care either, but what I do care about is my friend being cut off so quickly and reaching out for an explanation and all she gets is a door in her face! I’m not telling you to stay with her but at least talk it out…” Jimmy pleaded.

Jonathan rolled his eyes, but seemed to be considering it.

“I bet she’s still waiting out there…” Jimmy smiled.

“I bet she is,” Jonathan looked surprised that he was agreeing with him.

“If she’s still here she still loves you.”

“And…if she’s not?” Jon asked.

“She got hurt by you and probably went home to call Brian and go out with him,” he said holding back laughter as Jon got angry again.

“That asshole! He’s such a faggot!”

“Uh yeh…but she’s probably still here,” Jimmy said pushing him in the direction of the door.

He walked the rest of the way to the door and stopped.

“Go!” Jimmy yelled getting impatient.

“Throw me one of those,” Jon said.

Jimmy threw a packet of gushers at him.

He opened the door and closed it behind him.

“Um…” I said looking at him standing there quietly. “Should I go?” I leaned against the wall and my jaw started to quiver.

“Not unless you want to.”

“Ok.” I looked at the ground. It’ll never be the same again. “I didn’t mean to disturb you or Jimmy,” I said still looking at the ground. “I just didn’t want to go home and Jen didn’t understand.”

“I don’t mind…” he said reaching into his pocket. “Here.”

A packet of Gushers landed in my lap. “Gushers! Thanks!!” I jumped up and hugged him but then sat down again quickly because things weren’t that way anymore. “Sorry…”

“It’s ok. I know you love them.” He smiled as I ate them, but I stopped because I felt uncomfortable in front of him now.

“I’ll just save the rest for later.” Jonathan started laughing and I looked at him funny. “What?”

“Last Valentines Day you gave me a card shaped like a gusher and the front was colored like one too. Then on the inside you wrote, ‘I love you like I love Gushers…maybe even more,” he laughed. I chuckled a little too.

“…That was pretty funny,” I said.

“Yep.” He looked at me…closed his eyes and looked down.

“I still do.”

“Do what?” he asked looking at me again.

“Love you.” I stared at him. “Very much, a lot more than Gushers. More than anyone else in my life.” My hands got sweaty and I felt my cheeks flush red.

“Why did we say those things earlier…if we didn’t mean them?”