Outside sat a limo with the driver leaning against the hood of the car smoking a cigarette. He nodded at me with his black sunglasses on but I hardly noticed until he said good morning to me. I continued on past him and strode up the stairs. I had no idea why I was in such a hurry, perhaps it was because it had already begun about an hour ago and I was going to miss the best or worst part, depending on how you look at it.

I knew I wouldn’t enter the actual church, just stand outside in the foyer watching like a little child. The huge wooden doors creaked as I opened them slowly and suddenly I felt extremely out of place. The pews were completely full of men and woman old and young dressed in their best formal clothing looking attentively at the altar. I stood as far back from them as I could in my embarrassing blue jeans and t-shirt. A man wearing a tuxedo standing in the foyer with me stared for a bit and then turned his attention away. I pulled my bangs over my face, hiding as much of it as I could so no one could recognize me. I saw her standing up there in her beautiful white wedding dress. It was strapless with a long train; she had her 3 year old cousin holding up the ends of it. What kind of sick ritual is that? Yeh let’s make the youngest person hold the end of my dress, as if she didn’t already feel insignificant enough. How typical her dress looked made me sick. Her hair was pinned back in curls as always. She didn’t have a veil, what a moron. I found myself feeling incredibly bitter and making sneering faces subconsciously. I quickly put my hand over my mouth so no one could see that. That’s the last thing I needed, not only to be seen here, but to be seen here being bitter.

The priest started talking again and I knew it was coming. My stomach tightened and I felt truly sick. A few woman I could see started crying and I joined them. Maybe this would mask my bitterness, they would think I was happy for them. Yes it’s perfect. So I let the tears flow as they had on my way here in my car. My knees started to shake so I walked to the wall and leaned against it. He looked handsome as ever in his black pinstriped tuxedo. It wasn’t traditional, that’s more his style. His hair wasn’t slicked back it was straightened and tucked behind his ear on one side while the bangs fell into his eyes on the other side. Their hands moved together and I figured he was putting the ring on her hand and vice versa. The priest spoke again and I looked away.

“You may now kiss the bride,” I spoke to myself and kissed my hand covering my mouth. Cheers came up from the crowd and the tears flowed more and more from my eyes. Where was the wedding clause that said “does anyone here object to this joining?” Not that I was going to say anything, but it always worked in the movies didn’t it?

People started pouring out the doors and soon there was a break in the crowd, the bride and groom were coming. I couldn’t exit the doors, they were blocked with people, so I hid in the farthest part of the foyer, hopefully it was far enough away. The bride came through with her expensive white dress trailing behind her, 3 year old in tow. Her hand tugged him along in his beautifully made tuxedo. I turned my face down but peeked up just enough to see his expression. He looked happy, that’s what mattered, but he saw me. His eyes went wide and his smile went flat. No. I fucked it up. I should’ve left earlier. No I shouldn’t have come at all. He watched me for a few seconds and then he was completely out the door. The limo started up and I heard a few car doors slam shut, they were headed for the after party. I put up my hood and pulled my bangs over my eyes and set out towards my car. I was down the steps and half way across the street towards the parking lot when a hand caught my shoulder.

“I’m glad you came. It means a lot to me. Thanks.”

“No….no…problem,” I stuttered and looked up at him. My eyes still streaming, but I hoped if he saw them it would change everything. He pursed his lips but didn’t say anything. “I’m happy for you.”

“Really?..”

I looked down at the ground and then back at him. “Look you need to go. I’ll see you around.”

“Didn’t I tell you?” he spoke cautiously.

“Tell me what?...”

“We’re moving to California. It’s always been her dream.” He smiled at the end of the sentence. I felt sick again. What had happened to his dreams? Japan? An untraditional wedding?

“I’m happy for you,” and I walked away to my car where I sped off down the rode. He stood there in the middle of the road for a few moments and then returned to the limo.

“Goodbye. I love you,” I spoke to my rearview mirror.

TEN YEARS EARLIER

It was a typical night out in the desolate woods in lived in. Perhaps I exaggerated when I told people I lived in the middle of nowhere in Seattle. They never did believe me, who would? When you say Seattle they immediately think of Nirvana and how huge the city is but they don’t take into account that my father loves the wilderness and decided to rent a house out in the middle of nowhere on a vineyard about 17 miles from the closest Blockbuster. Well it had some perks, like you could blast music as loud as you wanted and no one would care, or your parents could fight at any minute of the day without getting the police called for domestic disturbance.

As usual I found myself sitting in front of the computer talking to people about stuff that didn’t really matter to me. School sucks. That was my usual topic with Anny. Boys suck. That was my usual topic with Leanne. Life sucks. Well that was my usual topic on Live Journal. I found myself talking to myself more than Leanne over instant messenger when she grew silent for no apparent reason.

“Hey my friend wants to IM you, their SN is ivegotmonkeypox, so accept it,” Leanne said after several minutes. I waited and then after a bit an accept message box popped up. I accepted it and said hello back. The conversation was intriguing. It started with Japanese and how I was learning it at my high school. I gloated and said I was in my second year of it and it was easy, but was stumped when he asked me to say something. He listed off some things that I also enjoyed and as always I was completely taken with him. This weird feeling came up in my stomach though like he might actually be interested in me. Soon enough Leanne confessed to having sent him my picture, the only one I had of me on my computer, the horrible one.

Ivegotmonkeypox: you’re cute.

Aclkwrkernge: no im not. That picture is horrible

Ivegotmonkeypox: no it’s a good pic.

That night I signed off and asked if he would talk to me again the following night when I was sure to be online as always and he said yes. I couldn’t believe it! Someone liked me!! The weirdest part was that I was falling for him and I hadn’t even met him yet. I guess I just took Leanne’s friends as not being creepy pedophiles or anything like that, and I assumed he was also cute since she was friends with him. She always had guy friends that were cute and had great personalities to go along with it. Too bad I always had an ugly face when I was growing up? Who knows why they always hated me, no one ever could explain it to me. But as I climbed into bed I couldn’t think of any of the negative confrontations I had had with the guys in my past, all I could think of was him and how wonderful he seemed even after only one conversation.

“Dad, can I go to Tennessee again? Leanne goes back to school in August so I can’t go at the end of July like last time,” I asked while eating breakfast the next morning. He grumbled and chewed a mouthful of Cornflakes before answering. After nearly an hour of persuasion he gave in. I set the date for a few weeks later, almost a month but not quite. School that day was the usual boring sack of shit it always was even though it was the last day of school. Anny and I walked down the hallway towards our study hall (aka we get to play around on the computers pretending to do research). We passed the Korean kids with their strong cologne oogling at the new car magazine. We set down our bags and headed straight for the computers. Let the Live Journal race commence. We commented each other back and forth saying nothing important, just wasting time, till we got bored and signed on to AIM Express. Surprisingly he was online. I felt my heart skip a beat. ‘Oh yeah that’s right, they’re already out of school over there. And it’s already noon for him!’ I typed ‘hello’ and hesitated to hit enter but did anyways. There was no response by the time the bell rang.

“I don’t feel like going to 2^nd do you?” I asked Anny.

“Do we ever? It is the last day of school though…”

“Who cares? I’m hungry. Lets go get coffee and McDonalds,” I said and I knew I had got her with the offer of food. Anny wasn’t fat at all, she looked anorexic if you didn’t know any better. She just ate a lot and her metabolism sucked it all away, lucky bastard.

We ended up taking the bus downtown and buying some CD’s at the used CD store and by the time school was out we were cruising a thrift store looking at cheap clothes and the hot guys that entered the store as well.

“Shit we really have to get going back home if we’re gonna pretend we even went to school Anne,” I said, always afraid of being caught.

“Ok we’ll go catch the bus then.” So we left and went on our way home. Around six my mother picked me up from Anny’s and we went home where I immediately got online. It was killing me to not be talking to him even after only one night. Even more surprising was when he instant messaged me first. I shared the good news of my plane ticket having been bought that night by my father.

Ivegotmonkeypox: we should all hang out when you get here

Aclkwrkernge: of course! That would be so much fun.

TEN DAYS LATER

I hopped off the plane and strode down the muggy connector hallway to the airport. I was finally back. At the airport, late as usual, my friend and her father arrived, her father grumbling about the traffic on the way up there. We hugged and made our way back towards her car, my luggage case rolling along behind me.

I didn’t expect much to happen. It was always just a peaceful vacation coming back to visit her. We would reminisce about the times we had when we were younger and watch movies. Recently we had taken up playing badminton and tennis. We were horrible needless to say but it was something to do and we both enjoyed it. This particular night we had gone through our entire stack of rentals and had nothing left to do but watch videos on the internet. I signed on instant messenger for a few seconds and he messaged me.

Ivegotmonkeypox: are we going to hang out?

Aclkwrkernge: tomorrow Leanne’s family is going to The Shamrock to have lunch. Meet us there around 11am.

Ivegotmonkeypox: whats ur number so I can call you guys when I get there?

My heart jumped again. No boy had ever asked for my phone number in my life. Sure back in elementary school this one kid asked for my number but that was because he always needed the homework assignments so he called me to get them. This was different from that. From that moment on he would have my cell phone number forever. I typed it quickly and sent it to him then signed off because Leanne needed the computer. I was glad she wasn’t watching me because I’m sure I was blushing horribly and had a huge grin on my face.

At nearly 3a.m. we decided to head up stairs to bed. Leanne was going in her closet to get a pair of pajamas and I was rooting through my suitcase trying to find a clean shirt to wear tomorrow.

“Is this last year’s yearbook?” I asked picking up a thick book with a cover of swirls against a black background.

“Yeh,” she said not really paying attention.

I flipped through it and she sat next to me starting at the beginning making comments about everyone she knew and pointed to their pictures.

“That guy’s gay,” she said.

“Oh my god! I was just about to say how hot he was, damn!” I laughed. She flipped the page.

“That’s Jake.” She pointed to a small black and white photograph of a boy smirking with poofy, dirty blonde hair. I smiled slightly, trying to hold it back. I memorized his face and name. Jacob Richards. An hour later Leanne was rolling over to go to sleep and I picked up the yearbook one last time and flipped to his picture. I rubbed my finger over the photograph and smiled then snapped the book closed before turning out the light.

The next morning we woke up at 9:30 to get ready and eat breakfast. I attempted to straighten my difficult hair but I knew it wouldn’t matter once I stepped outside into the muggy humid Tennessee air.