It’s probably sad that at 5:16 in the morning I find myself remembering things I thought I had forgotten. Kissing underwater, kissing in the rain… How can I remember these menial, little, insignificant things that I’m sure you’ve forgotten. Though, you constantly said you’d always remember. It’s hard to imagine a person who remembers the way my lips felt when they had already forgotten my birthday. What’s the point anyway? It’s just another day I’d like to forget…but never will.

No I don’t want to die, I’ve got ambitions and you’re not worth my suicide, though there was a time when I saw the bottoms of pill, liquor, cough syrup and Nyquil bottles, all in a hopeless attempt that it would be the last ‘attempt’. It’s not that feeling anymore. I just that I wish I could accidentally walk into an oncoming bus and suffer from the worst case of amnesia ever diagnosed.

There should be a law against my thoughts. If I were your girlfriend I’d hate me too. Not because there’s any threat in me but because it must get annoying knowing someone thinks this way about you. (And I laugh at the irony that I’m writing this like you’ll actually read it.) No, that wasn’t meant to be an insult though I’m sure you thought of it like that at first. Sometimes it’s just nice to have a response once in a while, or … I dunno. I’ve always wanted too much.

I hold my tongue too often. No one wants to hear about you. As I’m sure it is with your friends. No one wants to know the history; everything is about living in the Now, but at the same time everyone wants to know why I can’t be involved with them. Being in a dilemma like that where the answer is simple, 'I can’t let go', but knowing no one will accept that as a solid explanation, they start throwing out reasons for you: ‘You’re scared of people’; ‘you’re paranoid’; ‘you like so-and-so, not me’, and all being the wrong answer. Maybe no one falls in love anymore so they just can’t understand, but I’m tired of wasting my breath trying to explain why I have to force myself to like someone and end up giving up in the end.

There’s one thing I have realized in the sobriety of my life now; in the wake of losing the closest friend I’d ever had I started to try and change myself to be like you. I noticed I hardly had anything in common with you anymore. You listened to rap, got fucked up, had tons of friends…. I wanted that too. Maybe if we had more in common we could’ve stayed friends. In fact, we actually still talked a couple months ago because we had ‘getting fucked up’ in common, but honestly I knew that wouldn’t last for very long. Then I just started to adopt it myself, and I found that I could drown every emotion, every memory, in alcohol and drugs. It sounds like an A.A. speech but it’s true. Not once in the last 4 or 5 months did you cross my mind. The longest periods of sobriety I had always brought you crashing down on me, taking advantage of my vulnerable mind, crushing me with the memories I had from that summer after I visited my grandparents… And I’m loathing this trip to Tampa I’m about to embark on. The smell of the apartment, the bed sheets, the sight of Atlas; just being away from Miami will remind me of you and I’m anticipating the insanity I’ll go through, again.

I wish there was someone who could just help me forget, or teach me how to love again…but it seems like everyone is so cold now-a-days. They expect too much of you without even knowing how much you’re capable of. You tell them to take it slow and they’re already expecting you to fuck them by the second date. Psh, and ‘date’ isn’t a word that should even be used because no one ever takes you on 'dates' anymore. No one holds your hand, they just kiss you and use you. That’s it. Nothing else. Then when they don't get their way they try to tell you how to live your life without really knowing what your life is. They just assume since you’re not partying and your parents support you that everything is fine and dandy. You want to know the real truth why I don’t like anyone? Because so far no one has lived up to your expectations and out of this entire entry the only thing I blame you for is setting high expectations for love and showing me what love really is….or was. And for that I _____ you.

That sentence could be filled with so many words.

thank, love, miss, hate....and I can't decide which I would put there. I guess all apply.